Self-regulation. The ability of controlling and managing emotions to help better deal with conflict, manage stress, and achieve goals.
I do believe I lived much of my adult life in a state of fight or flight. Looking back I can have so much compassion for myself. Growing up with an alcoholic and abusive Dad, my parents divorcing, losing both of parents by the age of 34. I was in a constant state of reaction. I looked to others to validate my feelings, because I didn’t validate them myself. It has taken me years to untangle that web. It wasn’t until my therapist asked me one day, “If your children had experienced everything you had, how would that make you feel?” I cried. Compassion. I thought I had it. I had it for everyone else but me.
I developed a co-dependant relationship with my children, meaning when they were good I was good, when they were side-ways-I got side-ways. I felt every emotion they had and it wrecked me. You can detach with love, and that starts when they are young. Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. Its a delicate dance, because our kids need our guidance. The development of the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain that performs reasoning, planning, judgment, and impulse control) doesn’t fully mature until around age 25! We have to be ready for our kids to make dumb mistakes because that is how kids learn. That doesn’t mean you sit around and wait for the sky to fall. You have to make sure you are ready. Have a plan. Be grounded. oh and Add in a little hormone imbalance for kids and Moms and WHEW! I was not ready. This parenting thing-it IS TOUGH.
I never made time for myself. Self-care?!? Who has time for that!?!? I was over scheduled, anxious and eventually I burned out which I do believe contributed to my divorce. We only have so much to give. When you are constantly giving to others and letting others dictate your mood, you give away your power.
Even now, somedays can be a struggle. Learning to date after a divorce, was a trigger for me. I had to totally relearn ways to communicate. Be vulnerable. Set boundaries. I am so grateful I have learned the tools of self-regulation. It has given me the ability to help so many more people with their goals because I self-regulate. Other people benefit from the self-care I give myself! What a concept! Some days are better than others. It IS a process but one that I trust completely. I continue to see 1st hand the strength of all the tools I teach and use.
How about you? How is your self-regulating going? You have to find the tools to keep yourself grounded. For me it is journaling, meditation, breathwork and yoga. Some days are better than others and I don’t always get it right. Progress over perfection.
Building my own coaching career and business has been a gift. It has been scary and sometimes lonely. It is honestly something that I never even thought I could do. But having the ability to help someone, to make a difference in someone’s life-no matter how small. Thats my calling. It is the purpose that God put me on this earth. To work with my client’s as they sit with their emotions of dealing with raising kids, grief, loneliness, a new career change, a life changing diagnoses, divorce or just ready to take on something new that scares them. That is powerful.
I want you to know your feelings-yes, every single one of them are valid. But feelings change. You can get yourself unstuck and you CAN form new habits that will help you lose the weight, be a better Mom, all those things you keep ‘‘shoulding’ yourself about. If this is an exceptionally challenging time in your life, lean in. I am here to help. Schedule a discovery call today.
Comment below and click here to read about self regulating tools and how you can start!
Looking for yoga classes? I will be offering in person classes at Forge Body works in Oct! 6AM and 6PM. click below for more information.